It's been awhile. Two whole months. I took time off from blogging to unplug and prepare for what's usually an epic season of our life. And it was good. I learned the fine art of being still. I practiced being more disciplined. Believe me when I say this is no small feat. And during this time, I felt less rushed and more at peace than I remember for most Septembers.
But maybe I should have started back sooner.
Sometime in October, I fell into a valley. It was a hard place for me. It was cold, lonely, quiet. Every small disappointment felt magnified. My Godfidence was waning with each day. He felt absent, and I felt the distance acutely.
Mind you, nothing traumatic had happened to jumpstart these feelings. In fact, I can rattle off a list of blessings a mile long. But the thing is, nothing was happening at all. No change, no variety, no movement with anything. I hit the peak of what I could handle during a fun girl's weekend (such bad timing, right?) when one more minor disappointment had occurred, and before I buried the feelings so they wouldn't overtake my night, I muttered to a friend, "Have you ever felt like you were going nowhere?"
That's the first time I really realized what had been bothering me for weeks. The feeling of being stuck. Since I've started this blog, I had this venue to help me uncover what I'm feeling. Without it, it took loads longer.
So I'm back to writing again.
And soon, I'll be back to me again.
At church today, we watched a video with a touching backstory about a new song. The artist made reference to feeling disconnected from God during a very dark time in her life, but that she kept pressing on, kept believing in His promises, kept holding to truths -- especially when she didn't feel like it. When it felt like more a motion than an emotion.
When we're bold enough to do this, we will feel God in us again. That's a guarantee.
So back to feeling like I'm going nowhere. If I take one step in a new direction, that's somewhere. That's something, even if it doesn't feel like much progress. Eventually, it will feel real again. I know this.
In this spirit, I have issued myself a challenge. Do 40 new things by the time I'm 40. I've got 26 weeks. Loads of time, but not so much that I can let it slide. And by "new things" I don't necessarily mean crazy things. Folks, I'm not skydiving.
And I don't mean things that are only about me. In fact, I'd love for most of my 40 things to be about others. Small adventures that bring joy.
I've started a list, but it's pretty small, which means there's room to add to the fun. If you want to try something new and you're looking for someone to take along on the journey, let me know! I love a great idea.
And yep, I'll certainly report back here. On all 40. Maybe there will be four in one week; maybe I'll go a few weeks without anything to share from that piece of my journey. And just maybe I'll encounter God in a way I never have before.
Small steps, but steps nonetheless. Let's go somewhere.
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