Once, I tried to help Sam with her online math program because it was taking her forever to move past the subtraction module. Instead of helping, I made it worse. For real. I received a worse score than she did.
When I used to work in retail, I kept a calculator hidden in my little apron thingy so I could use it to make change should the register fail me. Which always seemed to happen at the rush of the Christmas season. Math and I have been battling it out for as long as I can remember.
And now here we are. Math is all about showing up daily in my new world, snickering behind my back when I carry the 1 on paper (hello, that's old math) and guess at half-units and hope the carb count totals to an even number so I don't have to do more math just to figure out Peyton's insulin dose. I just want to get it right. I have to get it right.
My guy is counting on me.
Thank God he is naturally good at math and will have no problem roughing out the complex "sugar alcohol minus protein plus fat equals a carb count for which I may or may not need to bolus" thing.
He probably won't have to do this:
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| oh lordy, don't inspect this for errors ... |
So here's an update: We are in full Man-Up Mode. Every day is different. Some days bring a quiet normalcy, other days tired tears. Welcome to the world of Type 1 Diabetes.
I am an emerging expert in the delivery of a proper needle poke. I can de-bubble (my fancy word for removing air) a syringe pretty darn quickly. An app on my phone shows me the carbs in all sorts of fast-food options; Peyton is patient as a saint as he waits for us to find the right number before he dives into his meal.
The school lunch landscape has changed. I was pretty lazy about school lunches before this; now I have to plan each night and write the carb count for the nurse so she can easily give the proper dose.
I buy enough dairy to make me the truest Wisconsinite that ever was because my kid loves his straight-up protein snacks. I have Juicy Juice, fruit snacks, and glucose gel stacked by his bed - a quick high for a surprise low.
And other things have changed. Peyton is a different kid right now. He is choosing to be more of a recluse than I like, but I get it. He's trying to rediscover himself amid all the new rules of life. It will take time. But, man, there are days when I want his fabulous personality back. I love when it appears easily, without the darkness of the disease.
We are in a whole other world.
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| smiles with his buddies tell me he really is OK. |
But we didn't enter this world alone. We have received a crazy amount of support. I can say that only now do I truly know what it means to really, really take care of each other. I know what it means to be chosen by someone who knew how important that card would be, that text, that phone call, that meal, that offer to help.
To be chosen is to experience the highest form of love. I know, without a doubt, that God has walked on this earth in the form of friends, family, and new acquaintances who have stepped into our world with us.
This is beauty from ashes.
But, hey, I'm not going to all-out "ash" this experience. Without pain, we may never experience pure joy. I know that every hard day has the light of a good one not far behind. There are days when I want to abandon all responsibility for 24 hours of pajama-clad movie watching, wine sipping, and moments of bitterness. I really do. But there are days when I don't even think about the D-Word much and I go about my job and other duties and feel like a mom who is just doing her thing.
And then there are other days - when I ninja-fight the D-Word and study the facts with a mind set on making the most of Peyton's diagnosis and preparing him to be a responsible young adult managing his disease.
I can't predict what day I will have at the start. I am choosing to let it all be.
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build ..."
Ecclesiastes 3
And, for us lately, there is a time to Man Up.
Along that note, I am still plugging away at my 40-by-40 list. It's been awhile since my last "report" and I actually have a lot to share. Having this activity reminds me that there's a lot more to life than what I am facing at this moment. More for the next post (I'm actually up past 20 new things now). For today, I'll give you one update ...
No. 14. Finding my inner strength. This one didn't make the original cut during the planning stages, but I'd say the D-Word counts as experiencing something new. I don't want to give it too much of a headline, though, because that doesn't seem right. But anyone who is fighting an unexpected, unpleasant something in their lives knows that there's a turning point when you accept and plow ahead, and that is an accomplishment in itself.
I guess sometimes life's adventures choose you.
Along that note, I am still plugging away at my 40-by-40 list. It's been awhile since my last "report" and I actually have a lot to share. Having this activity reminds me that there's a lot more to life than what I am facing at this moment. More for the next post (I'm actually up past 20 new things now). For today, I'll give you one update ...
No. 14. Finding my inner strength. This one didn't make the original cut during the planning stages, but I'd say the D-Word counts as experiencing something new. I don't want to give it too much of a headline, though, because that doesn't seem right. But anyone who is fighting an unexpected, unpleasant something in their lives knows that there's a turning point when you accept and plow ahead, and that is an accomplishment in itself.
I guess sometimes life's adventures choose you.
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