The courage to do and do well

A lot has happened since my last post. Including this:

surprise! (followed by "let's party!")

I'll get to that another day. Let me just say it was the Best Birthday Ever. Capitalized, bold, and italics for emphasis. Turning 40 was a week-long event filled with great fun, great family, great friends.

But first.

My head is swimming. I just returned from a learning + development conference in Washington DC, and am insanely inspired to make some great things happen both at work and at home. I can't get the ideas down on paper fast enough, am struggling to narrow them down to workable opportunities, and am - in the meantime - trying to get back to a routine that includes not eating 3,000 amazing, decadent calories a day, finding out which bills are due, and keeping up with the end-of-the-school-year rush that is concerts, meetings, open houses, teacher gifts, and any number of hamster wheel-like activities that fill my day.

But I digress.

One thing I did learn at the conference that will be sticking with me for a very long time? Courage. This theme appeared again and again, and I'm not sure the word was actually used in the descriptions of the classes I attended, but it was there. Over and over. Anyone doing anything dynamic in their organization is doing so because they have the courage to start, the courage to fail, and the courage to be different.

Is this not true for anything we do in life?

The courage to walk into that church for the first time in 20 years. The courage to tell a long-time friend some real truth. The courage to start a business. The courage to try a new exercise or diet.

The courage to put yourself out there.

first-hand lessons in courage and leadership this week.

The courage to believe that failure equals opportunity. I believe Disney calls this "successful failures."

The boldness and bravery to be different when no one else understands. (Maybe that should be a benchmark for going for it??)

The irony is that this could not have been more obvious this morning, when my daughter struggled to find a suitable pair of pajamas to wear for pajama day in her class that would be deemed acceptable or that she wouldn't be criticized for wearing by her peers. That was her perception, anyway. How quickly we believe that we are being judged. How quickly we learn to let it get to us. I am guilty of leading by example in this case. And equally sad is that I have probably been her harshest critic over the years.

We are all a work in progress, are we not?

My favorite conference speaker shared a story of traveling with her children internationally. The first time they watched a new custom together in a European country, her son quietly told her that what he was watching was "weird." She kindly told him that if he was going to keep traveling with her, he needed to use the word "different" instead of weird. Weird implies that there's a right way and a wrong way. And in many cases, this isn't always true, is it?

It takes courage to believe that.

If I can wish anything for my children, coworkers, friends, right now it's that they are - you are - we are bold. That we listen to that quiet, but persistent voice in our head that leads us along a strange, but promising path, and that we take it. Tentatively at first, but that we take it.

So where are you being led these days?

Run your race

I've got the bug.

With the warmer weather (slept with window open last night. ah-mazing!) and one of my favoritist races in the world right around the corner, all I want to do is run.

This morning, I punched the numbers for the free preview station for the Universal sports channel (thanks, Dish) which was covering the Boston Marathon. And between all the bustling excitement on the screen, the clearly perfect running conditions (no wind, blue sky), and the unmistakable feeling of a country overcoming right in front of my eyes, I just wanted to be there.

I watched the elites take off, and a mere 2 hours later - between answering work emails and fleshing out a PowerPoint - I watched the elites run in. And while I will never know that feeling - the true victory, how it feels to be first, how much it hurts to run sub-5 miles for most of the 26 miles (seriously?), winning a buttload of prize money - I still know that feeling.

How it feels to push even when it hurts. How it feels to hear a crowd cheering, the relief of crossing the line, the pure exhaustion after kicking into gear that last mile (which feels like forever no matter the race distance). The pay-off of weeks of training.

The after-party.

excited for this annual tradition this weekend! rain or shine, baby!

The decision to do it all again soon.

And I could be crazy, but I think I will regret not attempting a marathon once in my lifetime. Maybe that's just today talking. But sometimes "today" needs to commit to tomorrow. So, a marathon just made my 40-by-40 list.

That crazy, ole list.

What started as a goal to accomplish before I turned 40 has since become a goal of things to accomplish while I am 40. As it turns out, 40 new things is a lot to do in a short period of time. And, really, I have gotten a great start on the overall reason why I did this in the first place - to get out of my everyday-the-same-thing rut. To jump off the hamster wheel. To run a new race.

This I have definitely done. Here's a bit of an update on that.

22. A visit to Gulf Shores, Alabama. A first for our family - and a must-do again! I wrote about it in the last post if you want to know more.

23. My first tattoo consult. Yes I did! A few weeks ago I made a visit to a friend's house in Green Bay, and we made a pitstop at Tattoo's By Rick. Apparently they've tatted up a few Packers, so I thought it was a safe bet. They are booked out into summer now, and as soon as I finalize our camp/vacation schedule I'll make the call. Unless, of course, it happens in Madison first! (Don't worry Mom, it's a really small tattoo.) Story to arrive later ...

24. Have you ever tried oil pulling? I guess it's a thing! And we tried it (read about the benefits here). I am pretty sure I can't do this daily. I like coconut oil, but swishing it in your mouth until it liquifies for 20 minutes is not how I like to enjoy it. I guess I should keep at this if I want to reap all the benefits (toxin removal, etc). How bad do I want that?

I am stepping up my game after this. Scheduling a half-marathon in another state (who wants to go to Arizona in January?); planning out my marathon adventure; booking my next mission trip. Giving, giving, giving in a whole new way. This is one area I really want to change.

But first, I have a birthday to get through.

I do have one ask in this already really long and rambly post: I am involved with an organization that is doing some pretty amazing things in our community. Box of Balloons gives simple, themed birthday parties to children in need in our area. It is a wonderful little set-up that my friends so brilliantly developed, and it is so easy to be a part of the giving. A great, inexpensive way for your kiddos to get involved, too (Sam and I are going shopping for a little girl's present this week). Please check it out and get involved if you can.

Seriously, there are good things happening here. And this is REALLY worth celebrating.

My son's honeymoon

Oh, Diabetes ... you are a strange and mysterious creature.

I started a post a couple weeks ago about Peyton's "honeymoon" phase - a part of his diagnosis where his battered pancreatic cells are forming their last stand and pushing out some of its homemade insulin. This means he has been requiring little-to-no fast-acting insulin with meals, and only 2 units of his basal insulin at night. Less shots, less meal monitoring, happier Peyton.

But like all honeymoons, this won't last forever. This stage is unpredictable, and as we recently learned, a little touchy.

Peyton had been in this stage about a month before we took off for a MUCH needed Spring Break getaway to Gulf Shores, Alabama. And because he's such a seafood lover, we were optimistic that we could maintain his honeymoon stage during that trip. He was eating high protein and loving life.

But maybe we got lax, because on the way home his blood sugar kept spiking after meals. We did give him the insulin he needed to eat, say, a sub, but we weren't having the same results on the backend. At this time, we also started a pen insulin delivery system (which includes smaller needles and fewer supplies and is easier for travel). Not sure if it was the pen adjustment, being stuck in the car and completely inactive, or a week's worth of richer foods catching up with him, but we had 2 days of extreme uncertainty when it came to the numbers.

And I had feared this also meant an end to the honeymoon phase.

Some patients, I've read, almost prefer this time to end because the crazy unpredictability may end with it. But I decided I'm not ready. I guess the fact that we haven't been checking him all the time or we haven't been giving him a shot with every meal almost helped me forget the diagnosis altogether. And I guess that felt good. And I guess it made me less fearful of the future since I felt like we were pressing pause on reality altogether. (Now you see why they call it a honeymoon?)

And just when I was accepting our new reality, we turned another corner. Apparently a couple of days of routine eating was all it took. Peyton's pancreas made another run for it; it's pumping out insulin again and he barely sits still now that the weather has improved, so now we're running low because we have no idea what his body needs these days. (yes, it feels as chaotic as this run-on sentence does.)

And welcome to Type 1 Diabetes.

Peyton, of course, is rolling with it and is not frustrated and handles himself really well - making judgment calls on how much he needs to boost him back up and what kind of snack might be good for the moment. He's amazing.

And here's what else was amazing - our trip!

I do believe I was in a bit of mourning this week after all the fun we enjoyed on what was a really excellent combo of family time and friend time. Not to mention a life in bathing suits, not snow suits, and bare feet, not boots. Time disappeared and we were constantly asking each other what day it was ("who cares!"). The weather was more than we could ask for, which meant beach time every day, lots of swimming, boogie boarding, skim boarding, kite flying, Blue Angels show watching, long walks, sand baseball and volleyball, fabulous seafood dinners out, and kids having the time of their lives with good friends.

And lots of sunburn. (I am not complaining, though!)

Feeling extremely blessed by the whole trip ... especially our time with friends and each other.

Luckily we transitioned back into Wisconsin just in time for a week of great weather. That made coming home so much easier.

I still have a suitcase to unpack, so I better get at it. Live big this week!

Taking a bite out of a world that bites back

The last time I saw a yard full of grass was December 31, 2013. That's the day we left our Disney vacation to head back north.

The last time I saw MY yard full of grass was sometime in early November. I have witnessed a couple of patches peeking out around the edges of the house on the two days a couple of weeks ago where the temps managed to sneak up past 40 degrees.

But the smell of grass, the feel of it on my bare feet, witnessing it become a deep, vibrant green right before my very eyes? It's been awhile.

So, yeah, this week, when I awoke to a snow-covered driveway on two consecutive mornings, it was tempting to hole up, hide under the covers, rent a bunch of movies, and eat a few dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

But I didn't.

I decided to bite back. Have a fist-fight with the gloom. Pretend that, while I was shoveling, I was erasing all of the cold to make room for the warm. Thank God that I even have the capacity to shovel.

And in a way, that's a lot of what tackling my 40-by-40 list has been about. Biting back. Not being satisfied with accepting what is, but instead wondering about what isn't and trying those things out. I love me a good routine shake-up.

So. Where did we leave off?

15. Take a spontaneous trip. I'll admit this was sorta on the list because I sorta didn't know how it was going to happen. And I am sure my original vision included a more exotic locale than the Kalahari Water Park in the Dells, but that's OK. Because I was as excited as I had been in a long time to accept my friend's last-minute plea to get our families the heck out of dodge during another bout of extreme cold. I love when last-minute plans actually happen - probably because I am such a planner, this feels more adventurous to me. It was a great day/night of swimming, conversation, games, and friendship! I felt very blessed.

don't they look so happy? we all were

16. Donate to a new cause. Well, this one came about pretty easy. I have my stand-by charities and had been researching new places to give. And then Peyton came down with the Big D, and it was a no-brainer: We donated to the JDRF because we are going all the way for a cure, baby ... (It's what Grandma wanted for her birthday present, too, so we made that happen.) There's a walk/run in our future and more research to do as we get behind the organizations getting behind a cure.

Let me interrupt my numbering to point out how blessed I am to have friends who want to take this 40-by-40 journey with me, and who come up with ideas to make it happen. Case in point - #15. Also, #17 and #18. See, we all need a little "new and different" in our lives.

#12: ice skating lessons I mentioned in a previous post. it was so dang fun. adults being kids again, only
without the need to impress and being OK with looking a little shaky trying something new. good stuff. 

17. Snowshoeing a Wisconsin trail. So the funny irony here is that we planned this excursion awhile ago, knowing the snow would be plentiful this "late" in the season. And wouldn't you know it that the only 2 days it got warm-ish were right before this outing, which made the trails icy. Snowshoes not required! But the trail experience was new and - as always - the company and conversation was amazing (again, blessed!). If you are a local, try the CamRock Sport Cafe in Cambridge. You can rent snow equipment there and hop on the trail right out their back door. And when it is all over, you can kick back with a drink by the fire. Which we did - and totally earned after realizing that neither of us make great navigators.

rock star hiking friend

18. Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris

Wise words from the 1980s, people. Another friend suggested a random, sorta planned/sorta not day to ourselves. A day where we tried a handful of new things and didn't play by the rules. We cruised all around town, trying a new breakfast joint for us (Lazy Jane's on Willy St), a new thrift shop, a new furniture place, a new nail salon, and a new brewery (Next Door Brewing on Atwood). Neither of us were able to find a parade float to hijack where we could sing but we did attempt to recreate the movie scene where they visit the lakefront.

Only ours was a wee bit icier ...

nothing says friendship like someone who entertains your own crazy schemes without batting an eye!

Ferris: Cameron, what have you seen today?
Cameron: Nothing good.
Ferris: Nothing - wha - what do you mean nothing good? We've seen everything good. We've seen the whole city! We went to a museum, we saw priceless works of art! We ate pancreas!

19. Walking on the frozen lake. I know, I've done this before, but never in Madison, and never on a lake this large (Mendota). And I am claiming it because I have always wanted to do that here. And also because it was unbearably cold so I feel like I earned a #19 out of it.

20. Try a new workout. I am so very excited about this one! I finally took the step to get outside of just running and spend more time toning, after talking about this forever. I joined a gym right down the street - Edge Fitness - where we do all sorts of circuit training in a group setting and I leave every time in complete exhaustion. It is awesome. Better yet, it is right down the street. No excuses.

21. Try cooking something bizarre. Well, thanks to the Big D, I have had the chance to explore the sugar-free world. Originally, when this idea came about, I thought I would choose a random fruit to incorporate into a meal or some strange cut of meat. But early in Peyton's diagnosis, when I was attempting to keep his carb count to a minimum to help facilitate lower numbers, I had to find an alternative to the post-dinner sweet he was accustomed to having. I came across a recipe for Mock Whipped Cream. The recipe called for gelatin and milk powder and other randomness I never tried to use in a recipe before.

I am here to tell you that this is nothing like whipped cream. And if it was me with diabetes, real whipped cream would be totally worth the insulin. Luckily, Peyton's not much of a fan anyway.

You are now caught up. Let me address the obvious here - I am only halfway there. And I have just about 1.5 months to make it happen (what?!)

I have plans. We will get there - somehow, someway.

Get out there this weekend and make some fun new memories, friends.

This woman is manning up

I wish I was good at math.

Once, I tried to help Sam with her online math program because it was taking her forever to move past the subtraction module. Instead of helping, I made it worse. For real. I received a worse score than she did.

When I used to work in retail, I kept a calculator hidden in my little apron thingy so I could use it to make change should the register fail me. Which always seemed to happen at the rush of the Christmas season. Math and I have been battling it out for as long as I can remember.

And now here we are. Math is all about showing up daily in my new world, snickering behind my back when I carry the 1 on paper (hello, that's old math) and guess at half-units and hope the carb count totals to an even number so I don't have to do more math just to figure out Peyton's insulin dose. I just want to get it right. I have to get it right.

My guy is counting on me.

Thank God he is naturally good at math and will have no problem roughing out the complex "sugar alcohol minus protein plus fat equals a carb count for which I may or may not need to bolus" thing.

He probably won't have to do this:

oh lordy, don't inspect this for errors ...

So here's an update: We are in full Man-Up Mode. Every day is different. Some days bring a quiet normalcy, other days tired tears. Welcome to the world of Type 1 Diabetes.

I am an emerging expert in the delivery of a proper needle poke. I can de-bubble (my fancy word for removing air) a syringe pretty darn quickly. An app on my phone shows me the carbs in all sorts of fast-food options; Peyton is patient as a saint as he waits for us to find the right number before he dives into his meal.

The school lunch landscape has changed. I was pretty lazy about school lunches before this; now I have to plan each night and write the carb count for the nurse so she can easily give the proper dose.

I buy enough dairy to make me the truest Wisconsinite that ever was because my kid loves his straight-up protein snacks. I have Juicy Juice, fruit snacks, and glucose gel stacked by his bed - a quick high for a surprise low.

And other things have changed. Peyton is a different kid right now. He is choosing to be more of a recluse than I like, but I get it. He's trying to rediscover himself amid all the new rules of life. It will take time. But, man, there are days when I want his fabulous personality back. I love when it appears easily, without the darkness of the disease.

We are in a whole other world.

smiles with his buddies tell me he really is OK.

But we didn't enter this world alone. We have received a crazy amount of support. I can say that only now do I truly know what it means to really, really take care of each other. I know what it means to be chosen by someone who knew how important that card would be, that text, that phone call, that meal, that offer to help.

To be chosen is to experience the highest form of love. I know, without a doubt, that God has walked on this earth in the form of friends, family, and new acquaintances who have stepped into our world with us.

This is beauty from ashes.

But, hey, I'm not going to all-out "ash" this experience. Without pain, we may never experience pure joy. I know that every hard day has the light of a good one not far behind. There are days when I want to abandon all responsibility for 24 hours of pajama-clad movie watching, wine sipping, and moments of bitterness. I really do. But there are days when I don't even think about the D-Word much and I go about my job and other duties and feel like a mom who is just doing her thing.

And then there are other days - when I ninja-fight the D-Word and study the facts with a mind set on making the most of Peyton's diagnosis and preparing him to be a responsible young adult managing his disease.

I can't predict what day I will have at the start. I am choosing to let it all be.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build ..."
Ecclesiastes 3

And, for us lately, there is a time to Man Up.

Along that note, I am still plugging away at my 40-by-40 list. It's been awhile since my last "report" and I actually have a lot to share. Having this activity reminds me that there's a lot more to life than what I am facing at this moment. More for the next post (I'm actually up past 20 new things now). For today, I'll give you one update ...

No. 14. Finding my inner strength. This one didn't make the original cut during the planning stages, but I'd say the D-Word counts as experiencing something new. I don't want to give it too much of a headline, though, because that doesn't seem right. But anyone who is fighting an unexpected, unpleasant something in their lives knows that there's a turning point when you accept and plow ahead, and that is an accomplishment in itself.

I guess sometimes life's adventures choose you.